I want to talk about people pleasing and how it shows up when we think about difficult conversations, something that comes up A LOT in my coaching work and training requests.
If you go around censoring yourself because you are worried about upsetting someone, then you are choosing to put other people’s thoughts and feelings above your own. Time for some tough truths: no-one is making you do that, you do have a choice.
Now, I’m not suggesting you just let rip with your thoughts flowing out of your mouth at every opportunity, but if something matters to you, if it’s niggling away at you and you find yourself chuntering to yourself or to others, if something needs to be said to clear the air, to move forward, to get your needs met, then say it!
It’s time to face that fear!
You can learn to lean into speaking your truth. What we need to do is learn to recognise navigate conflict as the healthy thing that it is. The word conflict is an unhelpful one. It conjures up images of war, fear, and worst-case scenarios. Nature teaches us that thunder storms are needed every now and again to clear the air and dispel the pressure, what makes you think we humans are any different??
Do you speak up when it matters?
Given that we are social creatures, hard-wired for connection, it makes perfect sense that we worry about ‘rocking the boat’. We need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance in order to feel safe. Clients often talk to me about their worries when it comes to tough conversations and what tends to come to light is the very human fear of rejection.
Strategies for Success
Get clear about the problem you want to discuss. Think about clear examples you can share to illustrate the challenge and how it has played out and be ready to share the facts and data.
Build on that by considering the consequences of the problem you are experiencing. What impact is it having for you and others around you. Understanding why something needs to be tackled is crucial for buy in when it comes to finding a way forward.
Separate the problem from the person so you can work together to find the best way forward. If you present your feedback as a personal attack then its highly likely to put the other person on the defensive. Look for ways to ensure you can work together to resolve the issue and find the best way forward.
Pick your time and place carefully. The when and where of your conversation can have an impact. You don’t want to squeeze an important conversation in to a hurried or accidental meeting in the corridor; that won’t give either party the opportunity to do their best thinking around how to move forward. Block out adequate time in diaries for the conversation to happen. That also means having time to prepare for the conversation, and time to reflect on it afterwards too.
Sitting across a desk in an office might not be the most conducive environment either. Sometimes a walk and talk can feel less confrontational as you are side by side in your conversation.
Finally, remember to follow up. It is worth putting in time to revisit your discussion and review how any agreed solutions are working out for you both. By engaging in regular, open, honest, ongoing dialogue you will strengthen your relationship and give yourselves the opportunity to deal with any future challenges as they arise.
